


don't say i'm all that matters

by WhyDontWeBegin



Series: Born of Light, Bathed in Shadow [8]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Crying, Derin's accent, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am so sorry, Idiots in Love, Major Character Injury, Possible Character Death, Viera Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), X'rhun might be OOC, deathbed confessions, it's just gonna be A Thing now I guess, no beta we just die, pain and suffering really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:48:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22152799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDontWeBegin/pseuds/WhyDontWeBegin
Summary: Emlyn refuses to die without telling X'rhun that which she has left unsaid.X'rhun refuses to let her go.
Relationships: X'rhun Tia/Original Character(s), X'rhun Tia/Warrior of Light
Series: Born of Light, Bathed in Shadow [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576069
Comments: 32
Kudos: 22





	1. i wanna see the world when i stop breathing

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry  
> takes place sometime after stormblood  
> title from listen before i go by billie eilish

_“Rhun...?”_

Her voice was weak when his linkpearl crackled to life. It sent a bolt of panic through X’rhun- Emlyn’s voice was raspy, tired, and far, far too weak. It wasn’t right. Something was very, very wrong. He replied quickly, pushing down rising worry. “Emlyn?”

_“I... don’t think... ‘m gonna make it.”_

“Emlyn, what are you-?!”

_“Mm... ‘m sorry, Rhun. Said I’d... come home, didn’ I?”_

Bile burned at the back of X’rhun’s throat, fear clawing at his chest. “You will,” he said. Too fast, too breathy, too uncertain. He heard her give a breathy chuckle on the other end of the line, even as he began to move. He knew she was nearby- she’d told him so herself not even two bells ago. The issue was finding her.

_“Rhun, I- I need to tell you something...”_

“No. No deathbed confessions- you’re going to make it. I promise.”

_“What have I said... about promises? Especially ones... y’ can’t keep?”_

X’rhun hadn’t realized he was running until he stopped. The guard at the gate gave him a once-over— he’d been on shift when the Miqo’te had entered the Ala Mhigan Quarter a few bells earlier, and a few other times he’d come through. But never had he seen the Red Mage so... frantic.

X’rhun was allowed to pass without a word.

“You’ve had enough of promises,” he answered, looking around. He dug through one pocket and quickly found what he was looking for- a chocobo whistle, gifted to him by Emlyn herself. Identical to her own. “Because no one... no one ever kept them.”

_“Mhm... Too many broken promises,”_ Emlyn breathed. _“Did I... ever tell you... exactly what you’ve done for me?”_

“No. Something good, I hope,” X’rhun said. A futile attempt to stay optimistic. His voice was shaky, too shaky for that. _Rhalgr, please. Let me reach her in time. I’ve already lost so many. Don’t let me lose her, too._

_“You saved me,”_ she murmured. He could see her chocobo in the distance- looking just as panicked as he felt. X’rhun could’ve sworn his heart stopped for a moment. _“Without you, I...”_

“Emlyn...”

_“I didn’t think... I’d get the chance. To love. Not again, not after everything I’ve done. Never thought... I’d find a balance, between me... ‘n my darkness.”_

“Emlyn, please. Don’t talk like that,” he begged, mounting Samael. No instruction was needed- already, he knew where to go. “Please, just hold on.”

Emlyn found herself smiling. She glanced down, at her hand, pressed the gaping wound in her side. Weak flickers of healing magic- just enough to keep her alive, just enough aether to hold on long enough to tell him. She could hear the desperation in X’rhun’s voice, and it caused a mix of emotions. (She wouldn’t be able to rest, not truly, not if she didn’t tell him this.)

“X’rhun,” she began, “would’ya believe me... ‘f I said I was scared to die?”

_“Yes.”_

He didn’t even hesitate. Emlyn’s vision blurred as she leaned her head back against the rock she was leaning against, staring at the sky, tears beginning to fall. She could’ve choked on the weight of her emotions. “I am,” she said, voice breaking. “I’m terrified. I... I expected... to die alone.”

She sucked in a sharp breath at the same time she heard X’rhun do the same. “I... ‘m glad... I don’t have to. Takes the edge off. I didn’t... really think, when I called you. There’d be too much left unsaid. I don’t want that. I want to be honest with you.

“I can’t... thank you enough, for what you’ve done. You gave me a chance... and you stayed.” Emlyn let out a bitter laugh and small sob. “No one else stayed, not when they found out...”

_“They were all fools,”_ he replied. His voice was choked with emotion and it tore her apart to know he cared that much. _“Y-you are... a much better person than you think, Emlyn.”_

She smiled bitterly. “Y’ think so?”

“ _I know so.”_

Gods. Emlyn wished he were here in person. She didn’t want to die. Even though she was so utterly, ridiculously reckless, she didn’t want to die. She was told, once, to find something to live for. She’d spent so long drifting, with no cause or purpose to call her own, but now...

Now she had X’rhun, and he knew she had committed atrocities, he knew she fled Ilsabard because she didn’t want to hear people call her a monster anymore, he knew the same had happened wherever she went if she stayed very long. He knew about Derin, and he _stayed_. And now, she was dying, and he wanted to _save her_.

( _He’s desperate to save us._

I know.

_We could try to hold out long enough for him to arrive._

You think we can?

_... I don’t want to die, either. And... I don’t want Rhun to cry. Not over us._

We aren’t worth that. We aren’t worth anyone’s tears, Derin...

_I know. I know- and yet the whole damned realm will grieve if we die! But I don’t... I don’t care about the rest of Eorzea. I care about you, and him._

... I know.)

_“Emlyn? Derin?”_

“We’re here. I’m here. We were talking,” Emlyn reassured him. She felt Derin’s turmoil and fear, now. Neither of them quite understood X’rhun, not entirely- after all, they couldn’t fathom why he’d called out to both of them. “She’s scared, too.”

_“Just hold on. I’m coming.”_

“We know,” she mumbled. “We know. X’rhun- Rhun, I... I love you. We both do- please. Please, don’t forget that. Never forget that.”

 _“I won’t- you’ll be here to remind me. You will,”_ he replied. Fear and desperation laced his voice, breaking on the last two words, and she wanted to hold him. She wanted to reassure him, but- Emlyn had always, always been a realistic person.

She felt her grip on reality slipping. But- no, _no_ , she wasn’t done yet! “Rhun, Rhun, I... we were alone, for so long. Drifting... we didn’t... I didn’t have a purpose... I wasn’t really alive,” Emlyn sobbed.

X’rhun grit his teeth. He wouldn’t cry, he couldn’t cry right now- he had to focus, to save her. He couldn’t- he couldn’t just let go. Emlyn, Derin, they were two sides of the same coin, and were _scared_ and dying and hells, he couldn’t just- he had to. He _had_ to save her. _“Even after I joined the Scions... I was just following along. None of this... I...”_

“It’s okay, Emlyn. It’s okay,” he murmured, heart rending itself in his chest at the broken sob she gave at his words. Who was the last person to tell her that? How long had it been? X’rhun’s tail lashed back and forth as he looked around, Samael having refused to go any further. He had to be close. “Emlyn, just hold on a little longer for me, okay? Just a little longer.”

 _“Rhun,”_ Emlyn sobbed. He grit his teeth and forced back his tears.

X’rhun finally, _finally_ saw her. The sun was glinting off the metal of her gun, abandoned on the ground some fulms away from her, but he found her. He skidded down the slope, realizing just how much blood had soaked into the ground under her, his breath catching in his throat. Her eyes met his, tears still falling.

“Rhun. Rhun,” she half-sobbed as he reached her, falling to his knees by her side, heart seizing in his chest. He’d never seen her so terrified, so desperate for comfort, so vulnerable-

“Emlyn, stay with me,” X’rhun pleased as her eyes fluttered, one of his hands pressing against her wound while the other fumbled for the crystal at his belt. There was no _time_ \- “Stay with me! Emlyn!”

As X’rhun cast what was undoubtedly the most intense and powerful Vercures in his life, she slipped into unconsciousness.

(Please, Rhun...

 _Don’t cry over us._ )


	2. i had a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X'rhun has much to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is... officially going to get longer than it was supposed to

“How’re you holding up?”

“… Fine,” X’rhun said after a moment, voice hoarse. He cringed at the sound as Alisaie sat down next to him on the ledge. “How did you know I was up here?”

She hummed in thought, looking down over Revenant’s Toll. “Lucky guess.”

“… Emlyn?”

She gave a hum of confirmation. The silence stretched on- X’rhun knew Alisaie was worried for him, but… “Alisaie…”

“She’s fine. Well- not fine, but stable,” she said, and X’rhun felt a weight lift from his chest. It finally felt like he could breathe properly again. “It… may be some time before she wakes up.”

His heart plummeted to his stomach. If only he had been _faster_ , then maybe… just maybe…

“X’rhun,” Alisaie said, interrupting his train of thought. “She’s- I… how did you find her? How did- what happened, exactly?”

“I’m not sure,” he confessed. He didn’t particularly _want_ to talk about it, but- it could help. He’d keep what she said to him to himself, of course. “I… if she hadn’t called me over our linkshell, Alisaie, she wouldn’t be here right now.”

X’rhun gave her a brief explanation of what happened, leaving out any details of what Emlyn said, not mentioning her tears or her fear, and of course saying nothing of her darkness.

She left him be after that.

—

Emlyn woke up in pain, processing first that and second Y’shtola’s pained expression above her. The third thing she noticed was the Miqo’te attempting to pry her hand off her wrist, where Emlyn had twisted her arm. She let go, recoiled like she’d been burned, pain be damned.

( _So, we aren’t dead._

No, _really_? Hadn’t noticed that bit, Derin.

_Oh, spare me the sarcasm._ )

“Well- that certainly tells me you’re awake,” Y’shtola said after a moment. “Don’t do that again. We don’t need you tearing your stitches- or any extra patients.”

“… Sorry,” Emlyn mumbled, guilt already creeping up. Gods damnit- this was the very reason she insisted on being awake when she was treated, if she wasn’t treating herself! It’d been so _long_ since anyone could touch her while she was asleep before X’rhun, and still, old survival instincts reacted with everyone else. “Didn’ mean to. Instinct.”

Y’shtola hummed in response as she left the room, leaving Emlyn alone with her thoughts. They immediately turned to X’rhun.

(Where is he?

_… I miss him._ )

—

When X’rhun was informed that Emlyn was awake, he rushed back to Revanant’s Toll as quickly as he could. It took longer than he would’ve liked, but- precious little could be done about that, he’d been too far away. He couldn’t get there fast enough.

When he finally, _finally_ arrived, he immediately went to the Rising Stones.

Seeing Emlyn in the midst of a conversation with Alisaie, injured but _alive_ , lifted another weight he hadn’t realized was there. Of course the Viera was the one to notice him first, immediately turning her head and hiding behind her hair. It was probably the one thing she considered a positive after forgetting to cut her hair for so long.

Alisaie paused and looked between them for a moment before giving a smile that said she was absolutely planning something. “Well. I do believe I’m going to go see what Alphinaud is doing. Someone has to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. Keep an eye on her, X’rhun!”

“She’s trying to get us to talk.”

“Oh, I’m willing to bet on it.”

X’rhun and Emlyn stared at each other for a moment before bursting into a fit of chuckling- one which quickly ended in a pained wheeze on the latter’s half. The former immediately began to fret. “Are you alright?”

“I’ll live.”

“That’s not what I asked, Emlyn.”

She sighed and looked off to the side, and X’rhun reached for one of her hands to cover it with his own. “Emlyn… about what you said.” Emlyn went ridged at his words, inhaling sharply and looking anywhere but him. “You are _not_ alone.”

“If you knew exactly what I’d done-“

“I’m not having this conversation again.”

Emlyn bit her lip as X’rhun withdrew his hand, pulling his gloves off, followed by his hat before cupping her cheek. Yellow eyes fluttered shut as she leaned into his touch, expression still conflicted. “If I was going to leave,” he began, “I would’ve done it long ago. But I’m not. You have me, and the Scions.”

“They don’t…”

“The deeds of your past do not change the deeds of your present, Emlyn. Don’t fool yourself into believing they do.”

She looked at him again, shame coloring her expression, and his frown deepened. “Why? Why are you- doing all of this, Rhun?” And then his heart was breaking in his chest all over again. Always, always she was doubting herself and her worth. If he could change that, Rhalgr knows he would. X’rhun grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her close, her head on his shoulder, his arms keeping her in place. Not that she seemed to want to move, her hands gripping his coat like a lifeline.

“I want to help you, Emlyn. I _love_ you, and I am… what, the first you’ve opened up to in how long? Too long, regardless. You deserve so much better than you got.”

“I-“

“I’m not finished. You have helped the people of Eorzea time and time again, you defeated the Black Wolf and liberated Doma _and_ Ala Mhigo, you stopped a thousand-year war and saved Ishgard in the process.”

X’rhun paused, leaning his head against hers. “You saved _me_. I’d be dead now if it weren’t for you and Arya.”

He felt her shoulders trembling, and belatedly realized she was crying. His tail curled around her waist as he rubbed her back, kissed the side of her head. X’rhun’s ears flicked down, and he just held her.


	3. it might have been a nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She fled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which x'rhun's girlfriend is stupid (as always) and he has to keep her from being dumber (also as always)

She woke abruptly, sitting up in a cold sweat.

Alone. She was alone. (Never alone, not really, but there was no one in the room save for her and her other half, her darkness.)

( _Emlyn?_

We aren’t going to look for him, Derin.

_... You want to._

... shut up.)

Emlyn ran a hand through her hair. Gods, she needed to cut it.

... Maybe...

—

“What do you _mean_ she’s _gone_?! She’s the Warrior of Light, she didn’t just vanish off the face of the star!”

“Alphinaud!”

“She’s _injured_ , Alisaie-“

X’rhun didn’t stick around to hear any more of that argument. He made his way to the room where Emlyn had been staying. Looked around before sitting down on the edge of the bed. Her equipment was gone, that much was true. A hand under the pillow and his lips curled into a smile.

No one noticed him leave to trace Emlyn’s footsteps.

—

Just as expected, he found her where they met, leaning against a tree. X’rhun smiled, shaking his head. What was all of this, her just wanting to cut her hair? (He wasn’t sure if he preferred it short, in a way that was so distinctly Emlyn, or long. He wasn’t sure he had a preference at all.) No, he decided, it was something more. She was ever restless.

“You came,” she murmured, her eyes lighting up when she saw him, voice soft and affectionate in a way that made his heart flutter.

“Of course. Someone ought to keep you out of trouble, in your state.”

Emlyn smiled at him, her eyes twinkling with mirth, genuine happiness plain. X’rhun could’ve sworn he was falling in love with her all over again, as though he were still in his youth rather than his actual age. He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms, and Emlyn all but melted against him, head resting against his own. His forehead came to rest against his shoulder and he couldn’t find it in himself to care about his hat falling to the ground, for the moment. “They’re worried.”

“Let them worry. It’s healthy in moderation.”

X’rhun snorted. After the scare she’d given everyone, himself most of all, worry was hardly in short supply. His tail curled as he thought. “You want to leave.”

“… I want to go somewhere I’m not known,” she corrected, and X’rhun frowned. He’d always known that she wasn’t one for attention, even if her other half could care less. But where could she go that no one would eventually recognize her? Ever since the battle for Ala Mhigo she’d become a known Red Mage, stories of her prowess as a Machinist were well-known, and it was somewhat common knowledge that she’d begun her journey as something of a Monk. The only thing people couldn’t explain was her aptitude for healing-

Ah.

“Rhun,” Emlyn began, “Stop thinking please.”

“And why would I do that?”

“I want your attention here, on me, right now.”

Well, when she talked like that, who was X’rhun to deny her?

—

X’rhun was content to just lay there, with Emlyn asleep in his arms, his tail curled around her waist in her small inn room in Ul’dah. He was really in deep, but he didn’t care, not anymore.

A knock at the door snapped him out of his thoughts. He waited a minute, ear twitching. Heard a shuffle of feet and a familiar, frustrated sigh before it returned, louder this time. A huff of amusement escaped as he detangled himself from his lover, slipped out of bed and pulled on his pants and shirt before cracking the door open. As expected, X’rhun found Alisaie standing outside, arms crossed and expression unamused. “I thought I might find the two of you here.”

X’rhun slipped out of the room and quietly shut the door behind him, ears flicking. Alisaie said nothing about his disheveled state. “How is she?”

“She’s fine. Just…”

“Struggling,” Alisaie supplied, and X’rhun nodded, thankful she and Emlyn were so close. “I suppose I would be too. I’d ask how you found her, but...”

“Secrets of the trade,” he said with a smile, and she smiled and rolled her eyes.

“I absolutely see why the two of you got together,” Alisaie mused before looking back at her former mentor. “You’ll take care of her until she’s ready to come back?”

“Of course I will, Alisaie. That’s nothing anyone has to ask of me. Her balance is more precarious than others, and she looks to me for help.”

The Elezen gave him a _look_ , and he knew she’d noticed the drastically different temperaments between Emlyn and Derin- not that they were easy to miss- and knew she realized there was more to it. X’rhun was thankful she hadn’t pried.

His ear flicked as the door cracked open behind him, and Alisaie arched a brow. “Left for a _haircut_ , did you?”

“Among other things,” Emlyn grunted. Alisaie rolled her eyes again and smiled.

“Well, I suppose I’ll leave the two of you be. And try to keep the Scions from hunting you down. I make no promises.”

Emlyn chuckled. “Good luck.”

—

“Ow,” Emlyn hissed. X’rhun rolled his eyes.

“You asked for it.”

“You-“

“I was _careful_ , Emlyn. I know how to handle you,” X’rhun interrupted, smiling and leaning over her to kiss her forehead. “Rest. I’ll be back ere long.”

“... Fine.”

X’rhun left with one last glance over his shoulder, warm and affectionate, and Emlyn shoved her face in the pillow. Her side ached something fierce, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. Her skin still tingled with the memory of X’rhun’s touch, all over, so careful. He’d learned, he’d learned her weaknesses, her vulnerability, everything she had kept hidden for so long.

( _You were right when you said it’s as terrifying as it is liberating._

I didn’t think you knew that phrase.

_Which one?_

‘You were right’

_Oh fuck you!_ )

Emlyn smiled into the pillow, letting her eyes fall shut. Fine. She’d listen this time.

—

When X’rhun came back, it didn’t take much for him to recognize what was going on. She was thrashing, and he crossed the room in only a few strides, straddling her waist and pinning his legs with his own, wrists with his hands. Emlyn thrashed harder against his grip, and a bolt of panic shot through him because she _might tear her stitches_ , and that-

“Emlyn, Derin!” Yellow eyes flew open, her body going rigid, and then she was limp and distant and quiet and _crying_.

When X’rhun got up, stripped himself of his coat and hat and gloves and pulled her into his arms, he knew it wasn’t just Emlyn seeking solace in his embrace.


	4. not what you'd think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emlyn and Derin are not alone. X'rhun has his own struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iiiiii LIVE  
> have some hurt/comfort for a VERY GOOD CAT that was written at four am  
> I apologize for any errors :)

X’rhun awoke with a gasp, covered in a cold sweat as he bolted upright. His heart pounded in his chest so hard that it _hurt_ , ears pressed flat to his skull. Sweat-damp hair stuck to his face, tears burning at his eyes while he clutched the sheets in a white-knuckle grip. Bile burned at the back of his throat and he heaved for breath, broken, choked sobs escaping in the process. Why, why, why, _why—_

A warm, calloused hand covered his own, touch gentle. “Rhun?”

He’d woken Emlyn up. X’rhun’s breath caught in his throat, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He heard as much as he felt Emlyn shift next to him, sitting up. And then her arms were wrapping around him, one hand brushing his hair out of his face and her lips pressing against his hairline. “Hey, hey... I’ve got you, Rhun. I’ve got you.”

It hurt, seeing him like this. Usually, X’rhun was so _strong_. But now, he was shaking in her arms, and he was crying, and she was all he had. Just Emlyn, when he deserved so much better. But she’d be _damned_ if she didn’t do what she could.

“Oh, X’rhun,” Emlyn mumbled. He barely reacted, a sharp inhale and a broken sound being the only thing that escaped, and her heart nearly broke in her chest. Was this how he felt, helping her? She knew full well she didn’t deserve that much concern, especially not from a man like him. But X’rhun...

X’rhun was so, so _good_. He was her guiding star, something warm and steady and constant. Something so _incredible_ , so wonderfully beautiful and vibrant. He was so _strong_ , and kind. He loved to learn, and he loved to teach. His eyes would light up when she or Arya asked him a question and he had the answer, and if he did not, he lit up in a different way. His tail would curl at the idea of searching for the answer, and a grin would spread across his face. That was the X’rhun Emlyn knew.

( _The X’rhun we love._

I don’t think it’s that limited.

_It’s not. But I’m still right._ )

X’rhun reached out, one hand finding her shirt and grabbing it in a white-knuckle grip. He realized she was holding him, felt her tuck his head under her chin against his chest. He realized he could hear the beat of her heart.

“Rhun,” came her voice, but it was not Emlyn. Rough and with an accent once completely foreign, but now just as comforting as the soft way her other half spoke when it was just them. Derin. (His Derin, who fought tooth and nail for the people she loved, even if it lacked Emlyn’s refinement. Who engaged with him in debates, and enjoyed learning where Emlyn would just sit and listen, but never quite understand.) “Rhun, I wan’ ye t’ breathe with me. Can ye do that?”

He nodded, latching onto the sound of her voice. The low way Derin spoke, calm and reassuring and unwavering. The almost musical way her voice fluctuated, yet still so distinctly _her_ , with all her darkness. The firm, steady beat of her heart in her chest, one he’d heard plenty of times before. In this moment, Derin handled him so carefully, X’rhun knew. He curled in close, and she covered one of his hands with her own, giving a firm, reassuring squeeze. X’rhun began to match his ragged breathing with her own measured breaths. In, hold, out, release, repeat. A pattern, he realized, once his racing mind began to calm down. One tried and true.

A bone-deep weariness settled in and he felt Derin shift to lean against the headboard, and he sagged against her. It took a minute longer for him to remember her injury, but just as he opened his mouth X’rhun found a finger against his lips.

“We’re fine, ye right oaf. ‘S ye that we’re feckin’ worried ‘bout.”

“But...”

“No. No buts. My turn t’ ask ‘ow many tiems we’ve ‘ad this conversation.”

X’rhun nearly withdrew into himself at that, but Derin forced him to face her. Worry reflected in her eyes, a small frown on her face, and a part of him was sure Emlyn would have the same expression were she the one in control. “I...”

“Rhun,” Derin started, leaning forward and pressing her forehead to his, “ye need t’ stop thinkin’. Ye keep tellin’ us t’ maintain ouer balance, but what about yers?”

He didn’t have a response for that. X’rhun looked off to the side again and felt as much as he heard the exasperated noise the Viera made before she tugged him into a kiss. It was not like Derin’s usual kisses, not demanding or dominating or consuming. It was something soft, and sweet, but it was just as insistent. All her kisses were, he’d realized. A second kiss and X’rhun gave in, melting in her arms and against her lips with a soft sound. Derin’s smile as she pulled back, so soft and genuine, her eyes crinkling at the corners and nearly sparkling with happiness made it better. It made it all so much better.

Rhalgr grant him strength, Emlyn wouldn’t be the end of him at all. It would be Derin.

(And yet, that realization was perhaps among the most pleasant of them all.)


End file.
